


Depression is...

by MoonlightBreeze



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers & Maggie Sawyer in Love, Alex Danvers Needs a Hug, And she gets that hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caring Maggie Sawyer, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Living Together, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Supportive Maggie Sawyer, Understanding Maggie Sawyer, in a non-sexual way, no beta we die like men, showering together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:05:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27380140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: Depression isn't what most people think. Depression isn't even what the psychological definition of it says it is. What depressiontrulyis goes deeper than anything surface level could ever hope to capture.In this multifandom oneshot collection, I will be writing about the truth of what depression is. The cold, harsh truth that you don't hear about from other people or read in books or see on television. What is depression really,trulylike? Hopefully, this book will answer that question.Fandoms will vary, but a few you might see a lot of are: Shadowhunters, Supernatural, Criminal Minds, Leverage, Supergirl, and Detroit: Become Human/Detroit Evolution.Tags will be added where needed; general trigger warnings and information to be found in the first chapter, my author's note.I really hope that you like and/or get something out of this, and remember to take care of yourselves. <3
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Kudos: 16





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This chapter explains what will happen in this fic, what you can expect, and some basic information that it'd do you good to know. I urge you to read it in its entirety and email me or leave a comment if you have any questions. Thank you!
> 
> ~ Em

Hey, guys! First of all, I am planning on finishing the things I have going on right now - Whumptober and the Secret Santa events I've signed up for. However, I will be interspersing those with other things, too - this fic, for example. 

This fic is not my typical fic. While it is not, by any means, the darkest thing I’ve written or will write, it is very real. It’s hard-hitting. It’s powerful. Or, at least, I hope that it will be. This fic is meant to tell you, my readers, the truth about something that is talked about far too little. This fic will not sugarcoat anything. I will not be putting as much effort into the writing of this fic and making the words sound good as I will making sure the content resonates with all of you. I want this to be an eye-opener. I want this to change people’s minds. I want this fic to inspire kindness and a little more respect for people suffering from depression, and I want this fic to be something I am proud of. 

With that being said, this is your trigger warning. Unlike the rest of my fics that I’ve posted here, this is the only trigger warning I will be giving. My tags will be accurate and detailed as always, but this entire fic is about the _real_ truth of depression and what it’s like to live with a mental illness. This fic will, in all likelihood, not always be kind to you. Please be aware of that. 

Depression will be discussed candidly in this fic, hence the title. Self-harm will be mentioned, described, and very heavily touched upon. The characters will experience very intense self-hatred, guilt, and shame like some of you may not even be able to imagine. Alcohol abuse might be mentioned. Bullying might be mentioned. Child abuse might be mentioned. Suicide and suicidal thoughts will probably be mentioned, if not described and very heavily touched upon. If you don’t think that you would be able to handle candid mention and discussion of any of these topics, I urge you to keep yourself safe and avoid this fic. Your safety and well-being are extremely important to me. 

I will have happy endings in this fic, and I will have no happy endings. It just depends on the chapter and what kind of mood I was in when I wrote it. Those WILL be warned for at the start of each chapter. You will not go into a no happy ending chapter not knowing that it is. 

If you feel that I have not tagged something appropriately or that I need to provide more warnings, please contact me through the email listed on my profile and we’ll discuss it.

There are certain aspects of depression that aren’t known to the general public. They aren’t understood. There are things about depression that only depressed people know. I want to change that. This fic is meant to enlighten the average person as to what it is like to live with depression - the cold, hard truth. The truth that you don’t read in novels, the truth that you don’t hear from others, the truth that you’ve never been told. That is what I intend to tell you with this fic. 

To let you know where I am coming from, I'll share something personal with all of you. Today was my quarterly depression review. One aspect of that review is taking a test over my symptoms to see if my depression has worsened, lessened, or stayed the same since the last time I took the test. A feature of this test is that it adds up my "points" - which I get depending on my answers - to determine if my depression falls in the mild, moderate, or severe category. I scored a steady, predictable 19 today; This result didn't surprise me in the slightest, and it was only one point up from my last test. This result also indicates that I fall in the severe category. It is my experiences, as a person that suffers from severe clinical depression, and as someone who has many, many friends that suffer from the same or similar things, that I am using to write this fic & speak about these subjects.

This fic WILL be multifandom, as I am currently writing for multiple fandoms. The chapters will not be linear; one will have nothing to do with the other, which is why I’m using this fic as an opportunity to switch fandoms and write what I want. This is, essentially, a collection of oneshots, so there is no plot that you have to worry about missing if/when I write for a fandom you’re not a part of. A few fandoms that you can expect to see are: Shadowhunters, Supergirl, Detroit: Become Human, Detroit Evolution, Supernatural, Leverage, and Criminal Minds. I will probably write for more, but those are my starting lineup, so to speak. 

The first chapter of this is fairly tame, I think; it dives into what it’s like to not have the energy to take basic care of yourself, and it has a happy ending. I think it’s a good chapter to start off on, and I really hope you enjoy it and/or find it useful.

I hope you like this fic, and I really hope that you get something - be it validation, knowledge, or understanding - out of it. 

With that, I love you all, and I’ll see you soon. <3

~ Em


	2. Depression is not showering for a week because you don't have the energy to take basic care of yourself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is depressed and needs a shower. Maggie is there to help her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! This first chapter is just some hurt/comfort with a little angst from Alex. It dives into what it's like for a depressed person to not be able to take basic care of themselves. 
> 
> This chapter is Supergirl fanfiction, pairing Sanvers. <3
> 
> Hopeful/happy ending!
> 
> I really hope you like this!! Kudos make my day, and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alex hadn’t showered for days. She wasn’t even sure exactly how long it’d been. _Too long_ , her mind supplied. _It’s been too long_. 

And Alex knew that was right, knew that she _had_ to take a shower today. She’d _had_ to take a shower yesterday, too. 

Alex could smell herself, she realised; beneath her sweats and the baggy hoodie she’d worn to bed last night, she could smell the bra she’d been wearing for three days and the underwear she hadn’t changed for two. They reeked. She reeked. It was disgusting, and she knew it. She felt like a pig, sitting in her own filth. Pink flamed her cheeks and made her eyes water. She was disgusting. 

Shame curled like a hot iron in her gut, and she clutched the too-long sleeves of her sweatshirt like her life depended on it. She couldn’t go out in public like this. She couldn’t show up to the DEO like this. She couldn’t let _anyone_ see her like this. It was disgusting, and she knew she had every right to hate herself for it. Feeling like moving three steps would be an impossibility wasn’t an excuse for, for _this_. She knew what Kara would say, knew what Maggie would say, but she also knew what her mind was saying, right now. And it was right. Maybe, if she could just take a shower like a normal person, there wouldn’t be anything to hate. 

“Hey, Alex,” Maggie’s voice rang out in the silent apartment, “I’m home!”

Alex didn’t answer. 

“Hey, babe!” Maggie called again, and Alex felt herself tearing up. She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to be called anyone’s _babe_. 

“There you are,” Maggie breathed when she entered the living room and caught sight of Alex on the couch. She bent down to her girlfriend’s level and took one of Alex’s hands, rubbing soothing circles into it. “What’s wrong?”

Alex wanted to cry at that. God, what _wasn’t_ wrong?

“Are you hurt?” Maggie was still talking, giving Alex a onceover to check for physical injuries. Alex shook her head, her fingers tightening around her sleeves and Maggie’s hand. 

“The DEO said they missed you today,” Maggie said carefully, and Alex choked on her next exhale. _Of course_. The DEO. She was meant to clock in for work today. If she had just taken a shower when she was supposed to, none of this would be happening. 

Alex couldn’t help but think that maybe this was the world trying to tell her that her dreams, her hopes, they were all ridiculously unattainable. If she couldn’t even take care of herself, how in the world would she be able to take care of a child?

It was foolish. Alex was foolish. She felt stupid and naive for ever having believed that she could have it all. Maybe Alex was just meant to live like this, to _feel_ like this, for the rest of her life. Maybe that was what she deserved. 

“Come on,” Maggie said, tugging at Alex’s hand. “Follow me.”

“What?” Alex asked, confused. 

“Just trust me,” Maggie urged, her dark brown eyes full of affection and sincerity. Alex swallowed hard and allowed herself to be led towards the bathroom. Once there, Maggie shut the door behind them and began to fiddle with the faucet in their shower. 

Alex wasn’t quite sure what was happening. Was Maggie trying to force her to shower? Did Maggie want to shower with her? She shook her head. She didn’t think Maggie would want to be anywhere near her after she caught a whiff of Alex’s odour. 

Maggie turned around, concerned by Alex’s silence. When she saw the look on her girlfriend’s face, she walked over and rested one hand on Alex’s shoulder blade. It was a firm, grounding touch, and Alex sank into it, sagging a little under the weight of her emotions. 

“Come on,” Maggie repeated, and her voice was impossibly soft. “Remember what your therapist said? Break things into small, manageable chunks?” She squeezed Alex’s shoulder supportively. “That’s what we’re doing right now.”

Alex’s eyebrows drew together with confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“The goal is to help you, get you back on track,” Maggie said. “And that starts with a shower.” She gestured to the running water behind them and smiled at Alex. “And the _shower_ starts with taking your clothes off.” Her hand drifted from Alex’s shoulder to the hem of her sweatshirt, and she tugged on it a little, a clear indication of what she wanted Alex to do. “That’s all you need to focus on right now, okay? Just take your clothes off. Can you do that for me?”

Alex nodded mechanically and began to peel off her hoodie, her pants, and the smelly undergarments that had caused her so much distress earlier. When she was fully naked, she made a little sound in the back of her throat to alert Maggie, who smiled at her like she’d done something extraordinary. 

“That’s great,” Maggie praised her. “I’m proud of you.” She reached her hand into the tub and swirled the water around for a few seconds before retracting her hand and turning to face Alex once again. “There, that water should be the perfect temperature now. Go ahead and hop in. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Alex stumbled over her feet and half-climbed, half-fell into the tub. Her limbs felt heavy and she wasn’t sure she had the energy to do more than stand there like a statue until the water ran cold. She whirled around when she realised what Maggie had said, her eyes wide. “Wait, you’re coming in, too?”

“Of course I am,” Maggie replied. By now, she’d undressed, too, and she approached the shower, climbing in next to Alex. “I know it’s hard for you right now, so I’m here to help.”

An uncomfortable feeling wormed its way into Alex’s gut. Maggie shouldn’t have to take care of her like this. 

As if reading Alex’s thoughts, Maggie moved closer, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. “I _want_ to help.”

Alex shook her head, biting her lip hard to stave off the tears that suddenly threatened. “Why? Why would you want to do that? I…” She trailed off, looking down at the blurry image of her feet in the hot water, avoiding Maggie’s gaze. “I _smell_.” 

“Yeah, you do,” Maggie said, and Alex was torn between being crushed by the truth that Maggie knew, that Maggie could smell her just as much as she could smell herself, and being relieved that her girlfriend didn’t lie or sugarcoat it to protect Alex’s feelings.

“But,” Maggie said, gripping Alex’s chin with strong, sure fingers and forcing her to meet her eyes, “That doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

The tears that Alex had been holding back spilled over, and Maggie folded her girlfriend into her arms, running soothing fingers through Alex’s hair. 

Alex clung to Maggie, her tears subsiding in an instant, replaced with a deep, gnawing sort of guilt. She didn’t deserve someone so kind, someone so understanding, someone so _wonderful_. She didn’t deserve Maggie. 

“Yes, you do,” Maggie muttered against her shoulder, and Alex blushed. She hadn’t realised she’d said that out loud. 

Alex sighed and gave Maggie a firm squeeze before pulling away, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Steam rose between them, blurring Alex’s vision even more. Maggie looked like a statue carved by the heavens in the low lighting of their en suite bathroom, and Alex didn’t know what she’d done, if there was some noble memory she was repressing, to deserve Maggie, but she knew there wouldn’t be a single day that Alex wasn’t grateful for her. 

After all, Alex knew the truth; not a lot of people could deal with this. Not a lot of people _would_. Not a lot of people would even try to understand her and the disease that ate at her for every breath she took and chipped away at her mind day by day. Maggie was special.

And Alex, well, Alex wasn’t special, but she knew she was the luckiest woman on the Earth and beyond. 


End file.
